Wounded

Woo! It's been a little while since I've been able to get on here.

This chapter got me thinking and self reflecting a lot.  There were a few questions they asked and I thought I would answer them here.


1. What was your childhood like?
I could say over all, I enjoyed my childhood.  My parents are good people.  They both came from difficult backgrounds though.  My mom came from a emotionally abusive home and my dad had to help take care of his family.  He was the oldest so a lot of responsibility fell on him.  I was happy for the most part.  Throughout growing up though my parents argued A LOT.  It was scary at times.  I think I just wrote it off as normal though while I was growing up.  It wasn't till around high school that I realized it wasn't.

2.What lessons did you learn as a little girl?
Since the chapter is about wounds, I guess I learned when I was little to not make waves.  My parents seemed to always be at each others throats, yelling, saying things I probably should not have heard, to the point when I guess I may have subconsciously learned to get by by not making them any more angry then they were.
I think sometimes I felt like conflict was bad.  Expressing your frustrations, hurts, or things that bothered me seemed to kind of be ignored so I guess I felt that expressing any hurt was either going to make someone dislike me or nothing would change even if I said something so I did not do well, sometimes still don't do well with conflict.


3. What did your parents want from you?
I think they generally just wanted me to grow up well.  They aren't bad people, I think they just lacked the tools in some places that unfortunately caused wounds.

4. Were you delighted in?
Yeah, I think so.  I mean, I know my parents were proud of me, and were glad I did well, even if they did not express it.  I believe the people who probably made me feel delighted in the most were my aunt Rachel and my uncle Artie.  Whenever my sister and I would go over to their house, we would always be called princesses, be told how pretty we were, and how we could have anything we wanted.  It's funny because when I was little, I would get a little irritated that I would be called that...but now I'm glad I did.


I enjoyed the chapter.  I always love to self reflect because I can discover how I am the way I am.  The trick is learning how to move past that.  Learning how to change your way of thinking from what has been engrained in your head.  Looking back at certain instances, I can pin point things that were said, done, forgotten, or ignored by my parents and how much pain they caused me and the messages that were inadvertently told about my worth, me as a person, my personality, abilities, etc.  As an adult, I can now perspective take and see why certain things were said, even if it was out of anger....done unintentionally because they were either tired or had too much on their plate.  Things may have been taken out on me because in their own wounds, they lashed out at me....I understand that now as an adult but in the mind of a child, it is too big of a picture to understand.  So things are molded and misunderstood there, and it's unfortunate that from others hurts and wounds, you therefore gain your own and Satan uses those moments to feed you lies about your self worth and beauty.  Because of course you are going to believe your parents and what they think of you.  My prayer this week is for myself and all of my friends to be able to be free from the lies that hold them back and keep them from seeing their true selves.

I definitely struggled these past two weeks.  I have felt stuck, helpless, and completely inadequate.  I've been giving into my wounds and insecurities and letting them rule over me.  It's so so easy to fall into the black pit of despair.  All I hear is how worthless I am, how I'll never make a difference, how this is all I will amount to....but I am learning to discover and trying with all my heart to understand and believe, is that it is just as easy to get out.  That I am not really trapped in that pit, it's just my imagination.  This is not it for me, it is just the beginning.  I am not a slave, I am free.  I say all these negative things about myself over and over that I believe them.  Maybe if I say this over and over again, I can get the concept that I am free.

Chapter 4: Wounded

Messages, Vows, Hiding, and Healing

It seems like the chapter is broken into these four sections listed in the above line. In reflection on the chapter, it may be applicable to apply some questions to ourselves:

• From where and what messages did we receive when we were growing up? 
• How did these messages influence our thinking?
• What vows, spoken or unspoken, conscious or subconscious, did we make to ourselves
• How did those vows manifest themselves in our everyday lives?
• Do we continue to receive the same or similar messages today?
• If so, how can we begin to find healing?
• If not, what has changed in our thinking and behavior?
• Do we have to surrender something to be changed?

Reality Check: Chapter 3

Control and Permissiveness (p 52-56)

I know that I have a go-getter personality. I like to get things done well and efficiently, and it has often come in handy during tight pinches to be able to take charge and make something happen. But it hasn't been until recent that I have begun to notice how my desire for control and pride in my work has become an idol and a downfall in my life. To be organized is a good thing, but when lack of "organization" or nit-picking for control clouds my ability to make decisions, anxiety enters the picture and it is not worshipful to God.

Self-sufficiency and wanting organization in my own way has become something that separates me from God. I try to cram the time puzzle pieces together in my daily planner, and I don't know if the fraying pages can handle anymore shoving. If I plan something, but it doesn't work out, I freak out, try to calm myself down, and make my own new plans instead of just handing the situation over to God. For such an intangible part of me, it has become an everyday idol that I battle find myself turning to instead of surrendering to the Lord.

But how do I turn this idol of control to God? I can't just make my natural tendency to resolve problems and work things out simply go away! Lately I have taken note of two things in relation to idols: follow God's commandments and statutes, and rest in the Lord.

In 1 Kings, God commands Solomon to not marry wives from other countries with various gods, so that he may remain wholly loyal to God, as David did. In not obeying God's commandment, surely Solomon fell away from God as God said. The laws given to us from God are not meant to be negative punishments, but are intended to protect us in our communion with God. Writing God's law on our hearts, remaining pure, and acting certain ways help us to remain close to God and not fall away from Him.

As far as rest, for one, I'm actively still working on it, but also this has meant that when something in my life is stressful, I try to immediately pray about it. By honestly praying, I truly believe that God is bigger than my largest problems and that he came handle any stressful part of my life. Once I started fully believing that, it has become easier for me to want to give God the first say in my life and to talk to him about a situation before I talk about it with anyone else. I can rest and have security in God's faithfulness, goodness, and love.

Reflections of Chapters 2 and 3

When I was reading chapters 2 and 3, I almost felt that chapter 3 led into chapter 2...where Chapter three addressed that a major fear of woman was not having a "beauty to unveil" and chapter two talked about the beauty we DO have to give.  I feel like I definitely gained some insight to myself and understanding why sometimes I react or do the things I do.

It's so crazy how Satan has a way with distorting things.  I feel so uncomfortable being delighted in.  If I wanted to share something, I was "being too proud" or would question myself and think, "it's not good enough."  If I felt good about myself on a certain day it was, "you are conceited "  or "fooling yourself."  No matter what, I really could not win.  On top of that there is the whole perception of beauty the world has so I was pretty much set up for failure.  I really enjoyed how these two chapters showed that there is no shame in wanting and desiring beauty, in fact, we are designed for it.  It extends beyond the physical as well, showing in your character, talents, and relationships that you have.  It has been about a little over a week so my thoughts aren't as fresh as they were back when I initially read these chapters, but I have definitely felt encouraged and there is a sudden and drastic change in the way I see myself and the way I feel when I interact with others.  Not to say that I don't ever second guess myself or feel insecure, but I definitely feel like I can recognize lies when they are being told and am stronger and more aware to not believe them.  My desire for myself and for all of us reading this together is to discover what we really look like in the eyes of Christ.  We all look at ourselves in the mirror and often times only see where we fall short.  Whether we think we are too much of something, or not enough of another, nothing is good enough.  But that is simply not the case.  I want to know what God knows about me and be able to look in the mirror and see things the way he does.  I am tired of seeing what I think I am and feeling like it is all I will ever be.  I want to know my true identity and I feel like we are on our way!

Monica's Dream List

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::Dreams
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::Passions
::::::::::::::::::::Goals
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::Desires of the Heart

•I want to be an artist.  Whether that is through photography, decorations, crafts, writing, cooking...I want to be able to express myself often in creativity.

•I want to be a traveler.  I want to be able to go see and experience different cultures and places.

•I want to encourage.  Whether that be as a wife, as a mom, sibling, daughter, or friend; I want to pour into people and help them grow.

•I don't want to take life too seriously.  I feel like sometimes, I can get so focused on not failing that I forget to have fun and just enjoy life.

•I want to be free of the fear of failing.  Which would lead me to say that I want to be confident in myself, my abilities and passions and have the courage to go after them.

•I want to be adventurous.  I want to learn to take risks and trust that God has great plans for me.

•I to live a purposeful life.  Take advantage of every moment and feel freedom in God.

Katie's Dream List

For next week, we decided to make dream lists of our desires, passions, and ideas about who we want to be and things we want to do. From this, we can see the possibilities and parts of who we are, build our strengths, and confront our weaknesses. We can talk about whether these parts really capture essences of our selves, or are misconceptions and may prevent us from reaching our full potential as women of God. Other questions we may think about and discuss next week may include how to overcome our insecurities and change our thinking about our misconceptions.

Desires, Passions, & Ideas of Who I Want To Be and Things I Want to Do

• I want to share music with people. I want to make it accessible to them. I want people to be musicians. This is why I want to teach music, to start helping people understand music to empower them through their ears.
• I want to be someone who people listen to and respect. Go to to seek counsel.
• To travel to Colorado
• To travel to Germany, Scotland, and Italy
• I desire to be in relationship with a good, godly man. I want to share life with him. I want him to protect me physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and socially. I want to be deeply in love.
• I want to be known and understood. I want to be comforted and brought into a safe place. 
• I want to be brave, and to have courage to be who God has made me.
•  

For future self development: http://freeology.com/wp-content/files/iampoem.pdf

Chapter 2: What Eve Alone Can Tell

God is relational

God's Heart for Relationship

"Not only does God long for us, but he longs to be loved by us."

Essential Qualities to a Relationship

1. Inviting
2. Vulnerable
3. Tender
4. Embodies Mercy
5. Fierce and 
6. Fiercely devoted
7. Intimate
8. Alluring

How do I approach God as a romantic figure in my life? 

Are there any qualities that I desire in a relationship that are not what God desires with us?

What should a passionate romantic relationship look like, using our relationship with God as a model?

Adventure

Ezer kenegdo

• Helper
• Companion
• Help meet
• Sustainer beside him

That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure---that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him---desperately (33).

So we have these feelings of wanting to be desperately needed: is it okay for us as women of God to have these feelings toward a man, and not God alone? What is a good context for this or some areas in which to be wary?

Beauty to Unveil

Beauty is the essence of God found in:

• Nature, God's creation in it glory
• John's description of God is beautiful beyond description
• Women's form and spirit

Beauty Matters because beauty:

• Speaks, "All will be well"
• Invites
• Nourishes
• Comforts
• Inspires
• Transcends, draws us to God

A woman knows, down in her soul, that she longs to bring beauty to the world. She may be mistaken on how (something every woman struggles with), but she longs for beauty to unveil...This is not just culture, or the need to 'get a man.' This is in her heart, part of her design (41).

In what ways to we long to bring beauty to the world?

Next Week's Ideas

It is so great to be able to talk and write through these ideas and discover more about ourselves as we read through this book. :) For next week, we decided to make dream lists of our desires, passions, and ideas about who we want to be and things we want to do. From this, we can see the possibilities and parts of who we are, build our strengths, and confront our weaknesses. We can talk about whether these parts really capture essences of our selves, or are misconceptions and may prevent us from reaching our full potential as women of God. Other questions we may think about and discuss next week may include how to overcome our insecurities and change our thinking about our misconceptions.

We'll also read Chapter 2, What Eve Alone Can Tell, for next week. Let us grow and work through life together as we seek God's best for our lives.

Captivity Chapter One: Questions

Questions that came up for me during the reading that may help you kind of trigger some internal conversations:

What Moments have you considered a "rite of passage?"
The author talked a lot about rites of passage, making me reflect on what I thought were big moments or turning points in my life.  I feel like before I got married, the biggest moment was moving for college.  I could not wait to be on my own and out of the house and as independent as I could.  I'm not sure it's a "woman's rite" specifically, but as a person, it was definitely one of mine. :)

What advice, if any were you give about being "a woman?"
I think because my mom grew in a family that had a very traditional "women serve the man" type of view, she erred more on the "you are not a man's servant" type mentality.  Which was a good and a bad thing for me.  Good because I would never let a man walk all over me, but bad because I feel like sometimes I don't see that serving JT is also a way to show that I love him.

Some people would say a boy's "rite of passage" would be something like going camping with their dad.  What would a girl's "rite of passage be?"

What does a successful woman to me look like?
Being joyful, even when times are tough.  Going after the things that she is passionate about.  Having wisdom, honoring and respecting people even when it is difficult.  Making others happy, but also being able to stay true to herself.

What do I feel like I'm "too much of?"
Too emotional, too insecure, indecisive, attached

What do I feel like I'm "not enough of?"
pretty enough, outgoing enough, likable, talented

Why do I feel scared of going on an adventure?
Feeling not good enough for it

What desires do I try to bury?
dreams, feeling like things aren't practical.  Not believing I am capable.

Why do I feel uncomfortable being "delighted in?"
still working that out...


I feel as woman, we are told so many lies about how we are supposed to be and how we aren't doing what we should be doing.  I'm excited and nervous to ask the tough questions, get to the heart of why we feel the way we do and find the lies we believe; and learn to dump those and start to actually believe and see the truth about ourselves.  There is so much we can do and be, if only we know how much we are worth and begin to realize how "enough" we really are.

Captivating, Chapter 1

Chapter One

The Heart of a Woman

You belong among the wildflowers

You belong in a boat out at sea

You belong with your love on your arm

You belong somewhere you feel free.

---Tom Petty

I love this poem! Here's my interpretation of it:

You are a creature of beauty

You may feel alone, but you are strong enough to survive

All the love and emotion you feel has a place to embraced by others

And in all of these insecurities, you know that these feelings are true and to be cherished.

***

I'm trying to remember when I first knew in my heart that I was no longer a girl, but had become a woman...

I don't recall when this was for me, but I know that I am just now beginning to accept and love being a woman. Perhaps that is because I am learning what "being pursued" really means, and ultimately, at the end of the day, I definitely love it!

 ***

But no matter how much I asserted my strength and independence as a woman ("hear me roar"), my heart as a woman remained empty. To be told when you are young and searching that "you can do anything" is not helpful. It's too vast. It gives no direction. To be told when you are older that "you can do anything a man can do" isn't helpful, either. I didn't want to be a man. What does it mean to be a woman? (4)

I completely identify with this! I appreciate having been told, "Katie, you can do anything you want," but that didn't really help me process through what I wanted. (I comment on this aside from the real question of womanhood. That's far too difficult to answer...)

 ***

 The kitchen floor and false expectations entering love and marriage (5)

I mention this topic from page five because I got a laugh out of it. I do identify with the idealized picture of myself being Betty Crocker, but yet I also realize how unrealistic this is! Still, the fact that I, as a woman, may put a part of my identity and value in what it may mean to be a "good domestic wife" should not be undermined the false expectations we place on ourselves. 

***

Shame, the universal companion of women (7)

Wrapped up in the ideal form of who we should be. Shame, such a strong and fearsome word. Directly related to false expectations. 

***

Why Proverbs 4:23?

Because God knows that our heart is core to who we are. It is the source of all our creativity, our courage, and our convictions. It is the fountainhead of our faith, our hope, and of course, our love. This "wellspring of life" within us is the very essence of our existence, the center of our being. Your heart as a woman is the most important thing about you.

***

3 Things longed by a woman: To be romanced, To play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and To unveil beauty. True or false?

I'm not sure if they are true for all women, but after reading the explanations for each, I definitely qualify! Especially with the desire to be on an adventure with others. I love these words:

...we were made to be a part of a great adventure. An adventure that is shared. We do not want the adventure merely for adventure's sake but for what it requires of us for others. We don't want to be alone in it; we want to be in it with others (12).

***

But Maria has a rare and beautiful depth of spirit. She has the capacity to love snowflakes on kittens and mean-spirited children. She sees the handiwork of God in music and laughter and climbing trees. Her soul is Alive. And we are drawn to her.

 It is my life's goal to become Maria.

*** 

A woman in the presence of a good man, a real man, loves being a woman. His strength allows her feminine heart to flourish. His pursuit draws out her beauty (18).

***

Oh goodness! Monica, I am loving this book! It's such an easy read and the topic is completely where I am right now. Thank you for the recommendation and doing this with me! :)

Let Our Journey Begin

The time has come to finally start this book club we've been talking about for years. Let this time and fellowship lead to conversations that further ourselves mentally, emotionally, socially, physically, and spiritually. I pray the opportunity to develop our minds through reading while deepening our understanding of this story called, "Life," will be fruitful and lead to better living each day of our lives. Here's to the next chapter!

Love,
Kate