Woo! It's been a little while since I've been able to get on here.
This chapter got me thinking and self reflecting a lot. There were a few questions they asked and I thought I would answer them here.
1. What was your childhood like?
I could say over all, I enjoyed my childhood. My parents are good people. They both came from difficult backgrounds though. My mom came from a emotionally abusive home and my dad had to help take care of his family. He was the oldest so a lot of responsibility fell on him. I was happy for the most part. Throughout growing up though my parents argued A LOT. It was scary at times. I think I just wrote it off as normal though while I was growing up. It wasn't till around high school that I realized it wasn't.
2.What lessons did you learn as a little girl?
Since the chapter is about wounds, I guess I learned when I was little to not make waves. My parents seemed to always be at each others throats, yelling, saying things I probably should not have heard, to the point when I guess I may have subconsciously learned to get by by not making them any more angry then they were.
I think sometimes I felt like conflict was bad. Expressing your frustrations, hurts, or things that bothered me seemed to kind of be ignored so I guess I felt that expressing any hurt was either going to make someone dislike me or nothing would change even if I said something so I did not do well, sometimes still don't do well with conflict.
3. What did your parents want from you?
I think they generally just wanted me to grow up well. They aren't bad people, I think they just lacked the tools in some places that unfortunately caused wounds.
4. Were you delighted in?
Yeah, I think so. I mean, I know my parents were proud of me, and were glad I did well, even if they did not express it. I believe the people who probably made me feel delighted in the most were my aunt Rachel and my uncle Artie. Whenever my sister and I would go over to their house, we would always be called princesses, be told how pretty we were, and how we could have anything we wanted. It's funny because when I was little, I would get a little irritated that I would be called that...but now I'm glad I did.
I enjoyed the chapter. I always love to self reflect because I can discover how I am the way I am. The trick is learning how to move past that. Learning how to change your way of thinking from what has been engrained in your head. Looking back at certain instances, I can pin point things that were said, done, forgotten, or ignored by my parents and how much pain they caused me and the messages that were inadvertently told about my worth, me as a person, my personality, abilities, etc. As an adult, I can now perspective take and see why certain things were said, even if it was out of anger....done unintentionally because they were either tired or had too much on their plate. Things may have been taken out on me because in their own wounds, they lashed out at me....I understand that now as an adult but in the mind of a child, it is too big of a picture to understand. So things are molded and misunderstood there, and it's unfortunate that from others hurts and wounds, you therefore gain your own and Satan uses those moments to feed you lies about your self worth and beauty. Because of course you are going to believe your parents and what they think of you. My prayer this week is for myself and all of my friends to be able to be free from the lies that hold them back and keep them from seeing their true selves.
I definitely struggled these past two weeks. I have felt stuck, helpless, and completely inadequate. I've been giving into my wounds and insecurities and letting them rule over me. It's so so easy to fall into the black pit of despair. All I hear is how worthless I am, how I'll never make a difference, how this is all I will amount to....but I am learning to discover and trying with all my heart to understand and believe, is that it is just as easy to get out. That I am not really trapped in that pit, it's just my imagination. This is not it for me, it is just the beginning. I am not a slave, I am free. I say all these negative things about myself over and over that I believe them. Maybe if I say this over and over again, I can get the concept that I am free.
